THE BLACK WATER VAMPIRE (2014) Review

       Being a proponent of found footage films, I am always looking for that diamond in the rough, that one that you can shove into the faces of all the subgenre haters in hopes to sway their opinions. That’s exactly what I was hoping for when I sat down to watch The Black Water Vampire. Once again, my beloved found footage brethren have let me down. The first two thirds of the film are so tedious and drawn out, it’s like the writer had nothing written except for the ending, and just decided to wing it until then. That might make you believe that maybe the final third of the film was worth sitting through the prior right? Unfortunately you would be wrong.

     
       We start with the found footage clichés right from the beginning; we are shown police footage of a crime scene where a young girl’s body is found after she had been missing for two weeks. We soon find out that this is not a new incident for the town of Black Water, West Virginia. Over the last forty years, four women have been found dead in the woods, all of whom presumed murdered by a man named Raymond Banks.

     
       Documentarian Danielle Mason decides to investigate the killings and brings a crew of three to help her in her

journey. Danielle believes Banks is innocent and wants to prove that something more sinister is in the woods killing these young women.

     
       Usually when horror films like this start out slow, there are two general reasons: one is that the writer and director are looking to get their audience invested in their characters, or two, the writer is not very good and the director leans on the found footage aspect to carry the film to the climax. It’s pretty evident from the get-go that The Black Water Vampire falls victim to the second scenario. From the over-use of the classic jump scares, to the very familiar tent shaking and noises coming from just beyond eyesight, we aren't presented with anything new to the genre.

   
        Unfortunately it’s time to throw this lackluster found footage entry into the disappointing pile that horror fans are starting to watch grow at an overwhelming rate. Can someone please help save this dying subgenre that was once so unique and thrilling? Looks like we are going to have to wait until the next one with crossed fingers and pray that it’s not as poorly made and cliché ridden as The Black Water Vampire.

How a Night of Horror Changed My Life

               I remember back when I was eight years old. My movies of choice were PG comedies and animated classics. I had heard of horror movies but never thought twice about it, given the fact that I knew I'd never get to watch one at that age. A few years passed by and I had seen some "scary" movies but nothing that would be nightmare inducing. That all changed the night I talked my dad into letting me stay up until midnight to watch Friday the 13th Part 2.

               I had no idea what I was getting into but I KNEW I had to see it. The darkness of the night rolled around and by 11 I was getting real tired, for I was never allowed to stay up so late for anything, much less to watch a horror flick. I'm pretty sure my dad agreed to let me stay up so late knowing that I would never make it to midnight, but I was determined. Midnight had finally arrived, I was finally going to watch this mysterious movie that everyone had been talking about. By that time, everyone had gone to bed. There I was, a bright eyed, bushy tailed kid about to watch a movie that would change my entire life.
              The movie came to an end. I had made it through the whole thing and I loved it. I loved it so much but I was scared to death. I'm talkin' so scared that I wanted every light on in the entire house, and there was no way I was sleeping that night. After an entire evening of worrying about a man with a bag on his head stepping out of my closet, therefore ending my unaccomplished, unfulfilled life early, I wanted more.
               Ever since that terrifying night, I have been obsessed with everything horror. The idea of being frightened by fictional characters dead set on destroying everything and everyone in their path still excites me every day. Who knows where I would be without that night. One thing I know for sure is that I wouldn't be here right now writing this. Thank you horror, and may you continue to change lives by scaring the shit out of kids who take that brave plunge into your universe.

NURSE 3D (2013) Review

Nurse 3D- 3.5/5 Stars

       It's been a while since I've seen a good campy film like this one. Let me start by saying that if you take this movie too seriously, you are going to hate it and probably wonder if I should have my head checked.
     
With that said, let's start with our lead actress, Paz de la Huerta. Paz plays Abby, an extremely attractive, smooth talking, provocative dressed nurse by day, and one crazy ass femme fatale by night. Right away we are thrown into her crazy world as she lures her first unsuspecting victim into her clutches. Abby doesn't like unfaithful men and takes it upon herself to make sure they never hurt their innocent families again. Sounds like a nice lady right? Not so fast.

       Our vigilante femme fatale soon feels her master plan is threatened by a new young nurse named Danni, played by Katrina Bowden (Tucker & Dale vs. Evil), and she is not going to let her ruin it. What follows is a film filled with strong sexuality, violence, copious amounts of nudity, and a very clear message that it believes most men are pigs.
       
       Nurse is sure to split the crowd between the people that can appreciate a movie that doesn't take itself seriously, and the people that just think the whole thing was a waste of their time. I have seen the rating on IMDB drop almost two full points in just four days, so I'm guessing a lot of people aren't going to agree with my love of this truly odd medical murder mystery.
                 
       If you are a fan of films like Single White Female or Swimfan, I would urge you to give this one a shot. There are worse ways you could spend 84 minutes on the couch. The only complaint I have with this film is that the violence was mainly filmed with graphics meant for 3D, so when watching in 2D, it makes it look awful.
     
       Other than to not take this too seriously, my only suggestion to you is to make sure the kids are in bed and for god sakes, do NOT watch this with your parents! Now available via VOD, Nurse 3D gets 3.5/5 Stars in my book. Enjoy!

CURSE OF CHUCKY (2013) Review

Curse of Chucky- 3.5/5

       He's baaaack! After a nine year hiatus, that little red-headed psychopathic doll is back, and he's not in the laughing mood. Director Don Mancini, who has written or co-written every film in the Child's Play series to date brings us back to the no holds barred Chucky we all fell in love with. Unlike the last few entries in the series, Curse doesn't dabble in very much silly humor and seems to take itself rather seriously. 

                   
       We start the film with a woman who is caring for her disabled daughter Nica. She receives the Chucky doll anonymously on her doorstep. Soon after, she mysteriously dies, which leaves Nica suspecting foul play. The rest of the family soon arrives, each looking to take the beautiful Victorian mansion for themselves. This is when all the fun really gets going. From plot twists, to some creative kill scenes, to some seriously creepy moments, Curse of Chucky reminds us that a doll wielding a knife can be terrifying.

                   
       Fans of the first three are most likely going to enjoy this new entry the most. If you are one that looks for more of the comedic approach to Chucky and enjoyed the Bride and Seed films more, this one might not be exactly what you were hoping for when you heard it was being made. Either way, this could have been a total disaster, given the lengthy hiatus between films and the straight-to-video release, but it wasn't; In fact I had a lot of fun with it.

                   
       It looks like we will probably see more of these in the near future given the relative success of this one. Bring it on I say! Curse of Chucky gets 3.5/5 Stars in my book.

GRAND PIANO (2013) Review

Grand Piano- 4/5 Stars

       "The audience is in control right now, and I am your audience." Director Eugenio Mira brings us a beautiful new thriller starring Elijah Wood and John Cusack. We follow Tom Selznick (Wood), an extraordinary pianist on the eve of what seems to be a very important concert. Tom appears to be quite nervous and we soon find out that he has every reason to be; 5 years ago he succumbed to stage fright in front of a very large audience. This will be the first time playing in front of people since the incident. The concert starts and everything seems to be going well; The stage fright is in check and he seems to be hitting every note with ease. That is until he notices unusual red writing in his sheet music. "Play one wrong note and you DIE." From here we are led on a nail-biting, Hitchcock-like experience that is sure to leave its audience with accelerated heart beats and fulfilled expectations.

                 
       Anchored by a tremendous performance by Wood and absolutely beautiful direction by Mira, Grand Piano is one hell of an experience. The banter between Wood and Cusack mixed with the fast paced, perfectly written orchestra music works on every level. 

                 
       I would strongly recommend this to anyone that enjoys a good thriller or just anyone who can appreciate beautiful music mixed with flawless cinematography. Grand Piano gets 4/5 stars in my book and is now available On Demand. Pour a glass of wine, light the fireplace, and settle in for this exhilarating thrill ride.

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (2012) Review

House at the End of the Street- 2.5/5 Stars

Director Mark Tonderai brings us House at the End of the Street, a surprisingly decent little horror/thriller flick starring the beautiful and talented Jennifer Lawrence from the Hunger Games movies. The film starts out pretty dark, laying down the tragic backstory that the rest of the movie follows. From there we are introduced to Lawrence’s character Elissa and her mom as they move in next door to the house that the previously mentioned tragedy occurred. Everything is going perfect, until a light in the scary old house next door turns on in the middle of the night. After asking around, we learn that Ryan, the son from the previous family, has moved into the house and for some reason every single person in the town hates him. Not just kind of hates him, like wants to beat him to death and burn his house down hates him. As the movie goes along, Elissa starts to hang out with Ryan more and more, making her mom and the local high school douchebags very uneasy. But why? Ryan seems like such a nice guy. I’m sure he can’t be hiding any secrets right? 

 

House at the End of the Street is a love story wrapped in a murder mystery, wrapped in a psychological thriller. If you don’t mind every cliche in the book complete with jump scares, bumbling cops, and your inevitable plot twists, this might be for you. I will admit I hadn’t heard a lot of good things about this but I ended up coming out of it with appreciation for what it was trying to do. It’s not often that a good thriller with horror undertones does it for me anymore.    

Available for instant viewing on Netflix, you could do a lot worse if you are looking for a good way to spend an hour and a half on a dark snowy night. Just make sure the fire is up and the lights are low. House gets 2 ½ / 5 stars in my book. Enjoy!

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012) Review

The Cabin in the Woods- 5/5 Stars

Director Drew Goddard teams up with writer Joss Whedon of Avengers fame to bring us one of the most entertaining horror movies to be released in years. Seen as a homage to all the classic horror films of the past, we are given a very familiar plot: Five friends head into the woods to stay in an old cabin where they plan to have some good old fashioned fun. Drugs, sex, alcohol, undead murderous rednecks … Ok, so maybe they didn't plan on the last one, but they get it whether they like it or not.              

                   With a great cast led by Chris Hemsworth (Thor) we follow the rambunctious group as they make every mistake that any horror fan knows you need to avoid when alone in the woods. Some mistakes seem so obvious either these kids really are that stupid or something else is going on, something far stranger than anyone could ever imagine.  
                   The Cabin in the Woods differentiates itself from your basic horror flick by the level of subtle (and at times not so subtle) comedy it produces . If you take this film more seriously than the writers did, you are going to be destined for a letdown. With an amazing plot, unbelievable special effects, some very original twists, and a great sense of humor, Cabin reminds us what it’s like to have fun at the movies again.  
                  Now available to watch on Netflix Instant, I would highly recommend this flick to anyone who will listen. Not only do I give this a rare perfect 5/5 stars, but it was in my top three best films of 2012. Enjoy!